Law & Order: Paint By Number
by Kyllikki
Summary: Simply insert the appropriate words and phrases into this template and you're on your way to a surefire ratings-winning episode.
1. Story

**Law & Order: Paint By Number  
**by Kyllikki (kyllikki8@hotmail.com)****

_Dropped plotlines?  Muddled motives?  One-dimensional characters?  Deus ex machina endings that come out of nowhere?  You betcha --  welcome to the 13th and 14th seasons of the Mothership, folks.  But don't worry -- you can write a script just like one you'd see on TV!  Simply insert the appropriate words and phrases into this template and you're on your way to a surefire ratings-winning episode._

**NOTE****:  this story was written as satire and in my mind stands alone as such; however, if you would like use it as a MadLib and play along at home, you can find the word list by clicking on "Chapter 2."**

__________________________________

**TEASER  
**Two people walking through a park and talking about [topic of conversation] stumble on a woman's body.  They are aghast.****

The cops show up.  CSU Guy tells Lennie the victim died of [cause of death].  Lennie says, ["pithy phrase"].

**CREDITS**

**[commercials]**

**ACT I  
**_Office of the Medical Examiner_****

Rodgers tells Ed and Lennie the CSU techs at the scene got it wrong; the victim actually died of [different cause of death].

Ed asks how that's possible, given the evidence at found the scene; Rodgers says it's because the victim had [prescription drug] in her system, which would have been undetectable when they found the victim's body.

Lennie tries to flirt with Rodgers and says, ["pithy phrase"].

_27th Precinct  
Office of Lieutenant Van Buren_

Van Buren asks Ed and Lennie who would want to kill this woman.  Ed says that as a [profession], she probably had a lot of enemies.

Van Buren says, "Enough to make someone want to kill her?"

Lennie replies, "Hey, I've known a lot of [profession]s in my life, and I'd say it'd be a surprise if there were people who _didn't_ want to kill her."

Van Buren rolls her eyes and tells them, "Why don't you talk to her family first?  Somebody loved this woman."

Lennie says, ["pithy phrase"].

_Upscale Home In The Suburbs_

Wife sits weeping on the expensive-looking sofa; Husband paces in the background, sometimes pausing to look out the windows at the expansive green lawn.  Wife pulls herself together enough to say, "I just can't believe it.  We just saw her at [family function] last weekend!"

Lennie grimaces sympathetically and says, "Do you know, did she have any enemies?  Anyone who would want to do this to her?"

Husband bristles and glowers from beyond the couch, saying, "Of course not.  She was an angel.  All she wanted to do her whole life was to be a [profession]; she just got a raise and was so happy."  

Ed nods, then says, "Was she seeing anyone?  Did she ever talk about a boyfriend, anything like that?"

Husband grimaces and says that she used to date a guy who worked in [swanky industry], but that she hadn't spoken of him for several months.  Wife continues to weep.  Ed asks for the boyfriend's name and address; wife agrees to get it for him.  They thank Husband and Wife and leave.

On the way out to the car, Lennie says ["pithy phrase"].  

**[commercials]**

**ACT II**

_Ed and Lennie's Car  
On the Way Back to the City_

Ed finishes up a phone conversation with someone at the precinct, saying, "Okay, thanks, man, I owe you one."  Ed tells Lennie that Boyfriend has a record.  Lennie says, "Let me guess:  [type of misdemeanor/minor felony]." 

It gets better, Ed says.  Boyfriend doesn't just work in [swanky industry]; he runs [fancy-sounding corporate name]'s Manhattan offices, which controls the company's distribution all up and down the east coast.  They decide to pay him a visit at work.  Lennie says ["pithy phrase"].  

_[Fancy-Sounding Corporate Name] Headquarters,  
A Swanky Office Complex in Lower Manhattan_

Boyfriend is surprised to see Lennie and Ed at first, but assumes they are there because of [misdemeanor] charge against Coworker.  Lennie and Ed play along, asking what Boyfriend thinks of Coworker.  Boyfriend says Coworker is a good guy who just "let things get out of control."  Lennie says he bets Boyfriend never lets things get out of control.  Boyfriend says he tries not to.  Ed says Boyfriend's priors say otherwise.

Boyfriend finally wises up that they're not here about Coworker.  "What's this all about?" he asks.  Your girlfriend was killed on Tuesday, they tell him.  Boyfriend is aghast.  They broke up a couple of months ago but had remained on good terms.  The light dawns as Boyfriend realizes the police suspect him.  He indignantly tells them "I would never hurt her!  Just because we broke up doesn't mean I wanted to see her dead!"  Ed asks him where he was on Tuesday night between 1 and 3 a.m.  [Alibi], Boyfriend says.  Can anyone confirm that? Lennie asks.  No, Boyfriend was alone.

"I think you'd better come with us," Lennie says.  He and Ed lead Boyfriend out of the office amidst stares of various office workers.  Before entering the elevator, Lennie turns to the assembled multitude and says ["pithy phrase"].

_27th Precinct  
Interrogation Room_

Lennie and Ed go to work on Boyfriend, bullying him and goading him.  Boyfriend had access to [prescription drug]; [prescription drug] killed Victim.  It's for treating his [disease], Boyfriend says.  Ed persists; it's only a matter of time until the lab confirms that the [prescription drug] Boyfriend had came from the same batch as the [prescription drug] that killed Victim.  Boyfriend remains steadfast in his denials, and finally asks for a lawyer.

Ed and Lennie roll their eyes at each other and walk out of the interrogation room, where Van Buren and Serena have been watching the interrogation through the two-way mirror.

"This guy's ready to crack, Lieu," Lennie says.  Ed agrees that the guy was inches away from confessing before he lawyered up.

Serena asks Van Buren whether the search of Boyfriend's apartment turned up anything other than the drugs.  Van Buren says that in addition to Boyfriend's [prescription drug], they found a [personal item] belonging to Victim in Boyfriend's top dresser drawer.  As they're talking, the Profaci-character-of-the-week pops in and chirps that the lab results are back.  Van Buren reads the report and tells Serena that the drugs match.

Serena tells Ed and Lennie to arrest Boyfriend.  They re-enter the interrogation room.  Ed tells Boyfriend to stand up, that he's under arrest, and begins reciting Boyfriend's rights.  Lennie tells Boyfriend, ["pithy phrase"] as Boyfriend is led away.

**[commercials]**

**ACT III  
**_Arraignment Hearing_****

As per usual, chaos reigns in the courtroom.  The bailiff calls Boyfriend's case number and the camera pans to Boyfriend, looking disheveled and shell-shocked out, standing alone at the defense table.  Cranky Arraignment Judge wants to know where Boyfriend's counsel is; as she asks, Harried Public Defender pushes his way through the crowd and announces his presence.  Cranky Arraignment Judge is surprised; Boyfriend runs [fancy-sounding corporate name], so what is he doing with a court-appointed attorney?  Harried Public Defender says that in fact, Boyfriend's apparent wealth is a total sham and that Boyfriend is inches away from declaring bankruptcy.  His townhouse, his boat, and his house on Cape Cod are all mortgaged several times over.  

Cranky Arraignment Judge seems satisfied with this and asks for a plea.  Not guilty, Boyfriend says.  "People on bail?," Cranky Arraignment Judge asks.  Remand, smirks  Serena.  Even if Boyfriend truly is indigent -- which the People are not willing to concede -- this is a heinous crime and Boyfriend still has powerful friends who would be able to help him flee to [Caribbean location], where he has ties and a bank account.  Ridiculous, Harried Public Defender says.  If Boyfriend had powerful friends, why wouldn't they get him a powerful attorney?  "An interesting question," Cranky Arraignment Judge replies, "but fortunately one that I don't have to answer.  Your client is accused of murder, not jaywalking, Counselor.  Defendant is remanded without bail.  Next!"  

_Court House Corridor   
Outside Courtoom Where Arraignment Was Held_

Harried Public Defender catches up with Serena as she is walking down the hall.  Harried Public Defender indignantly asks Serena why she requested remand; she snits that Harried Public Defender's client killed Victim, which should be reason enough.  Harried Public Defender challenges her to come up with a motive, but Serena says she doesn't need one.  

They reach the bank of elevators at the end of the hallway.  "You don't need motive on a law school exam, but out here in the real world, juries want to know why people kill," Harried Public Defender says, getting into the elevator.  "On the record, we're maintaining my client's innocence."  What about off the record? Serena asks.  "Off the record, we'll plead to [reduced charge].  I'll be in touch with your boss."  The door closes on Harried Public Defender, leaving Serena standing there gaping.  Irritated, she slaps the "down" button again to call another elevator.

_Arthur Branch's Office_

Arthur, Jack and Serena confab in Arthur's office.  Arthur is sitting at his desk, Jack is leaning against the credenza, and Serena is standing in the middle of the room with her arms crossed, looking a bit pissed off.  "Harried Public Defender wants [reduced charge]," she says indignantly.  Out of the question, Jack says, looking at Arthur to gauge his reaction.  Arthur is unimpressed.  The only hard evidence you have linking Boyfriend to the crime is [prescription drug], he says.  Not so, argues Serena.  "Don't forget the [personal item] the police found in Boyfriend's apartment!"  Arthur scoffs that Harried Public Defender will argue that Boyfriend and Victim dated for over a year so it is unsurprising that a [personal item] or two would be left behind.  "No woman in the world would leave [personal item] at her ex-boyfriend's apartment," Serena says.  

"I think 'all women on planet earth' is a bit outside our jurisdiction, Serena," Arthur says.  "Besides, ["quaint" "Southern" phrase]."  Undeterred, Serena presses on:  "But what about the impact a plea will have on [larger global issue]?  Is that really the kind of message we want to send?"  Sighing, Arthur relents.  "Have the cops take another look, but if you can't find anything in the next 48 hours, make the deal."  Jack and Serena nod and file out of Arthur's office.

_[Fancy-Sounding Corporate Name] Headquarters,  
A Swanky Office Complex in Lower Manhattan_

Serena is talking with a well-dressed executive-looking man, asking if Boyfriend had seemed upset lately or had mentioned Victim's name.  The well-dressed executive says that Boyfriend seemed happy, and that he talked about Victim with fondness all the time.  Besides, he says, Boyfriend is a great guy:  "The cops were coming here to interrogate him, and all he could think about was reassuring them about me."  At Serena's quizzical look, he says, "I'm having some problems with [misdemeanor charge].  Boyfriend was trying to help me out."  Thus we learn that the well-dressed executive-looking man to whom Serena is speaking is actually Coworker.  

"Do you know why they broke up?," Serena asks.  Coworker says he doesn't, other than that "they weren't going the same direction in their lives.  It was very amicable."  Serena wants to know if Coworker knows about Boyfriend's priors.  Coworker brushes it off, saying, telling Serena animatedly that Boyfriend is such a great guy that "he left his apartment at 1:30 in the morning last Tuesday to come get me when I had a flat tire on [Manhattan street name].  So no, I don't care that he was convicted of [type of misdemeanor/minor felony]."

Serena thanks Coworker and leaves.  Coworker watches her go and then turns back to his office.

**[commercials]**

**ACT IV  
**_Jack McCoy's Office_****

Serena and Jack are sitting on opposite sides of his desk eating [ethnic food] and glancing through files.  "I think we're going to have to make the deal, Jack," Serena says through bites of [ethnic food].  "There's nothing in here that the jury will buy as a motive, and the defendant is a Boy Scout.  You should have heard Coworker talking about what a great guy he was for driving over to [Manhattan street name] last week in the middle of the night to pick him up after he got a flat."  

Jack nods absently, then cocks his head.  "What night was that?"  Catching Jack's drift, Serena begins to flip through the file.  "Last Tuesday.  At 1:30 in the morning ... Jack, that's right after Victim was killed."  Jack nods.  "And [Manhattan street name] is only two blocks from where Victim's body was found," he says, beginning to smile.  "Get everyone in here for a meeting first thing in the morning."  Serena nods, returning Jack's smile with a small one of her own.

_Conference Room  
The Next Morning_

Jack, Serena, Boyfriend and Harried Public Defender are all sitting at the conference table.  Harried Public Defender wants to know if this means Jack will take the plea bargain.  Jack says no.  Harried Public Defender huffs at Jack for wasting their time, gets up and tells his client, "Come on, we're leaving."  Jack pipes up, "We're not taking the deal because we're no longer convinced your client killed Victim."  This gets Harried Public Defender's attention and both he and Boyfriend sit down again.  

Serena tells Boyfriend she talked to Coworker, who couldn't stop talking about how wonderful Boyfriend was to pick Coworker up in the middle of the night.  Serena points out that Boyfriend lied to the police when they asked him if anyone could confirm his whereabouts that night and asks Boyfriend why.  Boyfriend says he didn't want to get Coworker involved:  "Coworker has had a rough time lately and I didn't want to get him involved.  I knew I didn't kill Victim and I knew a jury would see it too."  

"But he's an alibi witness," Serena says.  "Why wouldn't you want to clear that up right away, unless you were trying to protect someone?"  Boyfriend looks shocked.  "Coworker didn't kill Victim!," he says.  "He'd never even met her before!"  Serena wonders why else Boyfriend wanted Coworker's name kept out of this, unless...

Jack cocks his head as the light dawns.  "Unless Coworker was your lover," he says.  "You were afraid if you told the police that you drove across town to pick him up in the middle of the night, they'd wonder why he didn't just call a cab, and then eventually your secret would come out."  Boyfriend nods tearfully.  "And then [catastrophic consequence]," he sobs.  "Coworker is the reason Victim and I broke up, but I still loved her."

Jack nods to Serena, who gets up to open the door, ushering in Coworker and Fancy Schmancy Lawyer.  Coworker eyes the group suspiciously as Jack tells them to "have a seat; your boyfriend was just telling us about last Tuesday night."  Coworker's eyes widen a bit at this and he casts a longing glance at Boyfriend, who gives Coworker a watery smile.    

Serena asks Boyfriend if Coworker knew Boyfriend still loved Victim.  Boyfriend says yes, Coworker knew, and was always upset when Boyfriend would talk about her; he was afraid Boyfriend would eventually go back to Victim.  "But it wasn't true," Boyfriend insists.  "I still loved Victim, but Coworker and I wanted to spend the rest of our lives together."

Jack reminds Boyfriend that Victim was killed two blocks from where Boyfriend picked up Coworker.  Boyfriend begins to shake his head and whimper "no no no no."  Jack tosses Boyfriend's pill bottle (inside an evidence bag) onto the table.  "These drugs killed Victim.  Coworker had access to them.  Coworker was jealous of your relationship with Victim."  Boyfriend continues to shake his head.  Serena slides a computer printout across the table to Boyfriend.  "This is a copy of an e-mail Coworker sent you the day before Victim died," she says.  "He talks about how he's going to put his jealousy over your relationship with Victim behind him once and for all."  Boyfriend stops murmuring his denials and begins to look afraid.  

"And this," Jack says, sliding a folder across the table, "is the lab report detailing the forensic evidence we found in Coworker's car.  The [type of forensic evidence] we found there matches the sample we took from Victim."  Boyfriend looks aghast.  "You _killed_ her?!  How _could you?!  You knew I loved you!  I wanted to spend our lives together..."  Boyfriend breaks down completely.  _

"Shut up!," Coworker snarls.  "Why can't you just keep your damn mouth shut for once, you [insult]!  Can't you see?  She was going to ruin everything!  She was going to go to the newspapers with her information about the [type of corporate malfeasance], and then we'd never be able to be together!"  

Boyfriend, still sobbing, turns to McCoy.  "I picked Coworker up," he says.  "He said he had a flat tire, but his car wasn't anywhere in sight.  He was disheveled, upset ... he said he just wanted to go home and he'd deal with the car in the morning."  Did he deal with it in the morning, Serena wants to know.  Boyfriend isn't sure.  "I slept late the next morning.  After I took him home ... we made love."  He turns back to Coworker, practically screaming with rage. "You _killed_ her and then youcame home and made love to me_ like nothing was wrong!_"

Jack and Serena nod seriously at each other, and a uniformed officer comes into the room to place Coworker in handcuffs.  "I did it for us, don't you see?" Coworker says to Boyfriend.  "I did it for us."  Boyfriend collapses into the chair, wracked with grief, as Coworker is led away.

_Arthur Branch's Office  
That Evening_

"So Coworker pled out?," Arthur asks.  Jack nods; Coworker took man one for 8 to 12.  With good behavior he'll be out even sooner, Serena adds.  Arthur nods gravely and says, "[moral platitude]."  Jack and Serena smile and turn out the lights as all three walk out of the office.

**fade to black.**

**___________________________**

A/N - this came into existence because of my deep bitterness over the 4/30/03 episode of L&O, which seemed to me to be the most standard of all standard L&O plots.  This led to the following conversation:

Kyllikki: "I think they're using a template or something, only this week, they forgot to make any kind of changes.  They just filled in the blanks with the victim and perp of the week and off we went."

jael:  "Like a Mad Lib."

Kyllikki:  "_Exactly like a Mad Lib.  Except, well ... no.  Boring instead of funny."_


	2. Word List

**Law & Order: Paint By Number (Word List)  
**by Kyllikki (kyllikki8@hotmail.com)****

_Dropped plotlines?  Muddled motives?  Questionable science?  Even more questionable law?  One-dimensional characters?  Deus ex machina endings that come out of nowhere?  You betcha --  welcome to the 13th and 14th seasons, folks.  But don't worry -- you can write a script just like one you'd see on TV!  Simply insert the appropriate words and phrases into this template and you're on your way to a surefire ratings-winning episode._

**NOTE****:  this story was written as satire and in my mind stands alone as such; however, if you would like use it as a MadLib and play along at home, here is your word list.  The story itself is Chapter 1.**

Words/Phrases to use:

1.  topic of conversation  
2.  cause of death  
3.  prescription drug  
4.  pithy/cliched/punny phrase  
5.  (different) cause of death  
6.  profession  
7.  profession (same as #6)  
8.  (different) pithy/cliched/punny phrase  
9.  family function  
10. profession (same as #6)  
11. swanky industry  
12. (different) pithy/cliched/punny phrase   
13. type of misdemeanor/minor felony [i.e., not murder or manslaughter]  
14. swanky industry (same as #9)  
15. fancy-sounding corporate name  
16. (different) pithy/cliched/punny phrase   
17. fancy-sounding corporate name (same as #15)  
18. (different) misdemeanor charge  
19. Alibi [e.g., playing golf]  
20. (different) pithy/cliched/punny phrase   
21. prescription drug (same as # 3)  
22. prescription drug (same as # 3)  
23. disease  
24. prescription drug (same as # 3)  
25. prescription drug (same as # 3)  
26. prescription drug (same as # 3)  
27. personal item  
28. (different) pithy/cliched/punny phrase  
29. fancy-sounding corporate name (same as #15)  
30. Caribbean location  
31. reduced charge [e.g., misdemeanor assault]  
32. reduced charge (same as #31)  
33. prescription drug (same as #3)  
34. personal item (same as #27)  
35. personal item (same as #27)  
36. personal item (same as #27)  
37. "quaint" "Southern" phrase  
38. larger global issue [e.g., The Children, the environment, global thermonuclear war...]  
39. fancy-sounding corporate name (same as #15)  
40. misdemeanor charge (same as #18)  
41. Manhattan street name  
42. type of misdemeanor/minor felony (same as #13)  
43. ethnic food  
44. ethnic food (same as #43)  
45. Manhattan street name (same as #41)  
46. Manhattan street name (same as #41)  
47. catastrophic consequence [e.g., the world will stop turning on its axis]  
48. type of forensic evidence  
49. insult [e.g., buttface]  
50. type of corporate malfeasance  
51. moral platitude.

...that's it!  You're done!  Congratulations!


End file.
